Why me Lord? Why me?

Do you ever have a very bad, horrible day?  How about a bad week, month, season or year?  Things just do not seem to go well on any level.  You think no other misfortune can come your way…and then pow, right in the kisser….another thing happens!!!!  You feel kicked when you are already down.

The range of your personal disaster can be big or small but it is your disaster.  You cannot see how things will get better in the moment.  The small can be when your co-workers just do not seem to work or when your children are misbehaving or that favorite pair of jeans no longer fits. The big can be disease, divorce, sorrow, a dream unfulfilled, children or the death of a loved one.  Either way, it is yours and at that moment in time it is hard to see God if we focus on the circumstance.

Today is the culmination of one of those weeks for me.  I have joint issues.  For years one thing or another hurts, gets aggravated, is tearing or has torn.   I cannot do the physical  activities I want to do.   I have grown used to my body and its mysterious God-given elasticity.  Most times, I see God in me in this area.

But not today….

After several recent injections, doctor’s visits and the beginning of another round of Physical Therapy, I had grown tired.  I was a little frustrated as I saw people from all age groups run a 5K yesterday for a worthy cause.    I was there to support my husband, my Superman.  I was wearing a leg brace as we later on went to a show.  It was difficult to walk down the slope of the theater.  Today my husband was packing for a business trip.  I was putting clothes up in the closet and WHAM….I fall and not in a nice, graceful way.  I fell right on my ACL-less knee.  I fell on my shoulder, my wrist swung back.  I hit the door.  If it is one thing I know how to do well, it is fall.  If it had not hurt so much or if I had not been in my emotional state, I might have laughed.

But not today….

I yelled.  Then, I was stunned.    I heaved myself to a sitting position, while my Superman ran to my side.  I was crying my eyes out.  I mean that ugly cry that will probably result in puffy eyes in the morning.  My dear husband sat on the floor near me.  He asked me the basic questions about how it happened and whether I was okay.  It was hard for him to understand me through all the tears but he got what had happened.   I remember saying that I was afraid.  We sat together on the floor.  Max, the dog, joined us.  He brought his toy as well and did attempt to lick me on multiple occasions.  As my husband was praying for me and touching each affected joint through prayer,  Max was licking his hand as well encouraging him to keep praying.

Max, the dog, is quite a talker…but that is another story for another time.

I just kept crying.  Big, fat tears and my eyes just welled with more.  Internally, I was just questioning and sad and angry.  Yes, anger was definitely one of the emotions.   I had so many questions.  Internally I asked:  Why me, Lord?  Why me?  How much longer?  Are other joints going to go out?  Will this just get worse with age and I will be in a wheelchair?  I thought you healed people?  The questions just kept coming along with the tears…Superman and Max consoled me in silence.   Well, there was a squeaky toy near by that was consulted at some point…so the silence was only broken by SQUEAK!!

Why me, Lord?  Why me?  I asked it again, there on that cold tile floor.  My God-perspective was completely gone….zilch, zero, nada.

When the tears seemed to stop, my husband helped me gently to stand.  Nothing appeared broken.  He helped me walk to the living room and wrapped my knee in ice.  He chatted with me and made me laugh as always.  I did have the presence of mind to share with him that I knew my feelings were not of God but rather the enemies’.  My focus was all wrong.  We worked on a couple of things together while on the couch and then it was time for him to go….

He left for the airport … and I sat on the couch.  Max came to sit next to me.  I was about to start crying again and focus on the fall, my joints, and my body.  My mind immediately went to a Study I am doing with my dear friends M and T across the miles:   Discerning the Voice of God:  How to Recognize When God Speaks by Priscilla Shirer.   I had just read and completed one of the days earlier.  I opened the book and there were the following sections underlined in pink:

“The World steers you to your strengths, God works through your weaknesses.”

“His Word will often compel me to step outside the comfort zone of my natural abilities and into the realm of His supernatural possibilities.”

“He will frequently ask you to do something you’d never do on your own.”

I am a natural leader.  I am not functioning that way right now.  What He is doing is pulling me out of my comfort zone and working in my weaknesses…my body…He wants me to see His supernatural possibilities through my joints.

And now, there were tears of a different kind.   He knows me.  He made me as I am.  He orchestrates my life.  He is the best orchestral conductor EVER…with no equal.  He has a sheet of music that is titled “Yvonne’s life as Designed to Glorify Me.”  It is beautiful.  It is special.  There are times when I don’t think I hit the right note or when the sound does not come up just as I think it should.   He already knew that “off” note was there and its exact location in the overall piece.  And it still part of a beautiful piece of music.  In the “off” notes, I can see Him more clearly.    He was on the tile floor comforting me too….drawing me to Him, asking for my focus to be on Him.

As if to help me see HIM further, He sent a verse from the Psalms (music!):  Psalm 139:14…”I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows very well.”

The enemy wished for me to focus on my weak body.  The Lord wished for me to focus on His strength in my weakness. I am wonderfully made….He made me with special joints.  I am a marvelous work even if I see weakness.  He sees something different:  His STRONG creation not limited by my joints.

So, the right question is not really Why me, but Why not me?   Instead of seeing the pain or my weak joints or worrying about just how bruised and sore I will be tomorrow.  After all, there is already a lump on my knee!  I am now asking…how will You be glorified in my body?  What will I learn from this that will draw me closer to You?  How will others be reached by this?

He gave the ultimately sacrifice of His son for me. Am I willing to sacrifice for Him?  Sacrificing or giving God my talents is easy…He has called me to real sacrifice….in my case, in my body.  There seems to be no strength there…but there is….His Supernatural Possibilities are around the corner!!!!

Ultimately, this life is not about me and it is not about you.  It is about Him in us.  I am ready to ask…Why not me?  Are you ready to ask the same question?

Why not let Him be magnified in our weakness?